发信站: 一见如故 

很多人都认为开发商都是些借着政策发不义之财的奸商，可是，事实上，开发商在全国性的房价上涨风潮中一直处于一个很尴尬的地位。一方面，他们要冒着巨大的风险来面对一天比一天高的土地成本和政策成本，忍受着政府和政府官员的盘剥；另一方面，还要忍受着消费者的各种指责，当着黑心肝的代言人。我在做第一个房地产项目时，除了地价，我们要交六十四项行政性收费。我和莫小平在核算成本，她深有感慨地说，如果这些收费减少一半，中国的房价至少降三分之一。为了少交或者免交某些费用，开发商必须想方设法拉关系走后门。我一直认为房价过高最大的问题，在于开发商对政府官员的行贿贿行为由买房者承担。而国家对房屋价格的控制事实上是加大了税收，但是高税收最后转嫁到了购房者身上。中国最大的房地产商是谁？各级政府，它们利用手里的土地批租，然后再向房地产商收取各种名目繁多的费用，等房子建好了，卖出了它们还要向房地产商和购房者收税。房地产商有风险，可是，各级政府那是包赚不赔啊。其实房地产也是风险投资项目，只是和股票等玩意相比，它不会一夜之间让你血本无归而已。

　　作为一个房地产开发商，我真希望中国各级政府的官员不要自从数据去分析GDP的增加，而是从当地普通家庭的年收入和当地的房价的比例去看。我一直想问他们一句话，你们政府认为用一个普通家庭20-30年的全部收入去换一套只能用几十年的房子，正常吗？一套房子，首付掏空了上代人的积蓄，分期付款让这代人没有什么积蓄，这是哪个国家能干出来的事情？可是这奇妙的事情就发生在社会主义的中国。房产只是众多产业中的一个，但却掏空了人们大量积蓄和未来收入。房价当然与开发商有直接关系，可是，那更多的是一种无奈。提高房价，使他们为了抵御政策风险和市场风险不得不做的自我保护。资金是有成本的，做生意的人都知道，做生意是需要流动资金的，没有流动资金，再大的企业也无法运作。所以对于开发商来说，他们更关注的是现金流，房子涨了当然好，可以赚得额外的利润，但是，你要明白一个楼盘的销售时间越长，对开发商本身越不利，只有傻瓜才会捂盘惜售，那要捂到什么时候才是个头？企业及时套现才是正路。开发商必须遵循生意规则，你如果硬要开发商要有良心，不能涨价，那我要说，这话你跟中国政府说最好。谁控制了土地，谁就控制了房价。所以，中国的房价不是控制在开发商手里而是控制在政府手里的，只是这个道理一般人不明白。囤积土地是需要巨额资金的，就像生意人所说的压货，你能压多少货？卖几十年？对有实力的房地产开发商来说，适当压一两块土地，保证公司开发的延续性，节约运营成本是完全必要的，压多了，谁有那么大的资金？有这个能力的只有政府！

　　房地产行业的大部分利润都被收到政府的口袋去了，尤其是在现在以拍卖拿地的现状下更是如此。说个最简单的，某城市的地王，44亿的标价，土地面积1.3709万平方米，容积率4.8，总建筑面积6.58万平方米，楼面价就是6万多。也就是说，房子还没建，政府就已经揣到自己口袋这么多钱了。国土局为什么那么容易出贪官，受贿原因全是那红线内外一米，或者容积率那零点几的小数！很多朋友都以为，开发商是想咋建就咋建，可是事实根本不是那么回事，国家政策在那里呢，土地竞拍就是一把刀，容积率又是二把刀，直接就限制了房屋总量的提高。地价是楼价构成中的一个主要因素，它的高低决定了房地产市场的走向。所以，一道政府搞房地产市场所谓的宏观调控我就发笑，他们不是少收点地价，而是加税，你说，这不是更加推动房价高企吗？

　　经常有朋友问我，一个平方米的房子的成本有多少？我告诉他，其实，直接成本很小，比如我这个项目，建筑成本大概在1850-2500之间。包括：土建，装饰，园林，水电！土建是指毛坯大概1200元m2，包括地下室和基础；装饰部分80元/m2，包括外墙砖，入户门，栏杆和铝合金窗等；园林大概550元/m2；水电大概250元/m2，包括电缆，智能安装，及室外排水设施。其实，要算房子的成本还要加上营销成本、财务成本、各种营业税、土地增值税等等。就说，那容积率吧，我要不是通过卿至泰把它提高了，就原来批的1.7，我根本赚不到什么钱。

　　说到这里，我不免又要罗嗦几句，说说什么是容积率。容积率就是总建筑面积与用地面积的比率。可是，国家还有个规定，高层住宅容积率应不超过 5，多层住宅应不超过3。嘿嘿，要是都按这个来，在考虑到光照指数，开发商根本赚不到钱。所以，大家就各显神通提高容积率。关键是送多少钱。容积率相对真实的只有别墅。所以更加卖得死贵。放眼全国，无论哪里，开发商和规划局都在一起愚弄人民。当然其中的公关费很可观，但与房价利润相比实在是太划算了。正因为容积率是可以托关系修改的，所以，没有哪个开发商会傻傻的按照既定好的容积率来开发。我曾经跟卿至泰说过这样的话：“面粉涨价了，包子馒头能不涨？”他笑了，我也笑了。

　　大家在骂房地产商黑心致使房价猛涨的时候，谁也没有注意土地现价早已涨过房价的涨幅了。现在地方财政就是土地财政，地方政府拼命要卖土地赚钱，中央想控制都控制不了，你看现在全国各地哪个城市的城区面积都在不断蔓延。房价的高低有无标准。答：房价乃政府能够忍受的价格，房产现象只是中国政治经济体系的一个表征。我有时觉得政府官员真的是很蠢，一块地，如果作为住房用地来卖，那么他所得到的税收只有卖房那么一次的税收，而一套房子可用年限至少有4-50年，甚至70年也就是说政府这4-50年就收这么一次税。但如果作为工业用地，做厂房，做企业，那么政府可以年年向企业商家收税，所以对于政府来说卖地建房是下下策的方法。但是，为什么他们还要买呢？因为一个地方的一届领导做多干五年，他做事只管这五年自己的财政收入，至于五年以后，他都不知道调到什么地方去了，所以，一届又一届政府是只管现在不管将来啊！

　　现在最搞笑的还是那个招挂拍制度。据说这个制度是向香港学习的，可是人家那是****社会，法律多健全啊？可是在内地，这制度一出台就为政府官员游戏法律提供了更多的空间。没实行这个制度以前买土地，一般只需要出个10来万撑死100来万忽悠贿赂一下国土局的实权人士乃至一把手，那么土地譬如说本来价值1000万的土地，一把手银子捞足大笔一挥也许2，300万就搞到手了，反正都是公家的地。而现在呢？实行的正规的招拍挂，一般人就不大敢便宜卖了，你要敢这样做，不是****也得双规，官员们心里也是有点忌惮的。

　　那么，价值1000万的土地可能就的掏出1500万银子才能摆得平，即使你有关系后台够硬那么最少也得7、800万才能堵上众人的嘴巴。因为能够搞房地产资质，能拿到土地的老板哪个是没有后台的，哪个是后台不硬的？你以关系拿到了，那我拿不到我可以利用我的关系在后面捅你一刀还可以名正言顺的把你身后的后台给拉下马。所以土地这块上多出来的价格是谁来承担？当然是羊毛出在羊身上。开发商不可能善良到自掏腰包，当然的把房价抬上去。制度是决定资源分配的根本原则，可笑某些人还在寄希望于宏观调控，根本的原则不调，怎么调都是空调！

　　我问过一个规划局长，“作为一个规划局的局长，你从你的角度说说，政府能不能暂时不卖地？”

　　他笑着说：“不卖地，哪里来钱养活那些公务员？” 在房地产行业，对于地产商追求高回报大家不能有过多指责，因为逐利是企业的本能。大家应该关心的是，一些地方政府特别是个别贪官不顾国家的一系列制度规范，为了自己的一己私利，他们凭什么滥用公权利？用公权利牟利呢？在地方政府政绩观的支配下，特别是一些官员在金钱诱惑下，都能想出应对、变通的对策。

　　比如说：招拍挂制度，很轻易地就被地方政府架空，当做摆设。另一方面，对于土地的违法行为，恫吓的多，实际上处理过软。国家确实处理了一批土地违法者，但是，轻描淡写地给省级干部、主管领导一个处分，起不了太大作用。一些受处分的领导干部，不但毫发无损，有些官帽子还越戴越大呢。以前我只是一个搞建筑的，现在做上了房地产，干什么吆喝什么，我现在就不得不研究国家关于房地产的有关政策，就不能不千方百计地和对我有用的各级部门官员打交道。

　　作为一个做房地产的商人，我的脑子里一直有一个声音：“一套房子会压垮中国。” 为什么这么讲？因为我开始加入房地产行业的时候，正值香港经历亚洲金融风暴不久，香港很多老百姓正经历负资产的风暴。什么是负资产呢？我现在简单说一下：房价一旦提高，你要它降那是非常困难的，为什么？因为银行跟房价捆在一起呢，房价一旦升高，你买房子，如果你要做贷款，是不是要以市值做贷款？肯定不是拿净值做贷款吧？得，这就出现了问题，一旦房价大幅度下跌，就像97、98年的香港，遇到到亚洲金融危机，当时100万的房子只剩40万的价值，可是你的贷款是七成，也就是，这时候你借了银行70万，可是房子现在的价值只有40万！现在，你把房子卖掉还给银行，你还欠银行30万，这时候，你应该怎么做呢？你应该不还了，把房子给银行算了，我何必再赔30万呢。可是，香港老百姓当时并没有把房子给银行，为什么？因为香港有很完整的信用体系，你一旦把房子给银行，你的信用就完了，以后你找工作、创业、纳税甚至生活都会出现问题，你不能拥有私家车，不能到高级消费场所等等。所以，香港老百姓没有办法，只好硬抗着。

　　可是，中国大陆就不同啦，因为没有完整的信用体系和社会保障体系，如果出现了负资产，老百姓立刻就会把房子扔给银行，那时候，比亚洲金融风暴和美国次贷危机的金融风暴马上就席卷全国，中国经济马上就到退三十年。所以，很多朋友总寄希望于宏观调控，认为国家出了重拳房地产价格就会降下来，可是，你不明白，中央可明白宏观调控政策所带来的金融风险以及把金融机构搭上去的银行风险呢。再说，各地方政府能让房价下来吗？房价一下来，GDP立刻就降好多个百分点，政绩怎么算？税收怎么收？地方财政怎么来钱？银行坏账是不是又要超过国际标准若干个百分点？

　　但是，不宏观调控好不好？也不行，那就是第二个日本泡沫。二者泡沫就会造成经济过热，物价上涨，通货膨胀，企业运营成本提高。所以，还要调控，而调控的主要手段就是紧缩银根，提高利率，而这样的做法作打得一个恶果就是叫制造业赚不到钱，使得制造业老板把钱从制造业抽出来投入股市、房市从而使泡沫越来越大。

　　这不是似乎进入了一个怪圈？永远也解决不了问题？老百姓就要坐等灾难的到来而无能为力？其实有办法，这办法就是让这房价高企的始作俑者放弃对房价的操控。

　　大家知道，房地产项目，立项到开工，一直到峻工验收合格包括期间的销售等等环节，每一个环节都有政府的影子，就连最后的房地产交易中心，那本来应该是个类似市场之类的东西吧？那也是国土局下属的事业单位。

　　大家知道只要有政府影子的地方就一定有滥用职权，而滥用职权就意味着腐败，而这样也就提高了交易成本。所以，让政府推出这些所谓的监管，或者减少监管，或者公开监管，都会让房地产市场减少腐败，减少成本，最主要的就是那么行政性的收费项目能不能取消呢？我就不明白一件事，在房地产项目的建设过程中你收了建筑公司的税、验收合格以后你又收了房地产公司的税、交易过程中你又收了房地产公司和买房者双方的税，这些税不就是用来支付你那些行政机构的费用的吗？你政府为什么还要重新再收一遍呢？

　　说完了这些咱再说你政府的卖地行为，你美其名曰说是什么市场化，我看纯属你往财政捞钱，每届地方政府上台之后什么事都不用做，只要卖地就能使 GDP上升，卖一块地GDP上升一个百分点，卖两块地GDP又上升两个百分点，卖的价格越高GDP越高，所以，放眼全国，什么东西涨价最快？土地！而且是只涨不跌的，这时什么行为？市场行为？鬼才信，这就叫操控市场。你土地价格上去了，企业运营成本自然就上去了，于是，拉动相关行业涨价，相关行业涨价，其他行业能不涨价？所以啊，温总说到了经济发展中的结构性涨价，它是说到点子上了，可是他有一句隐台词没有说出来，那就是结构性上涨的根子在哪里？我相信他是明白的。政府不卖地，房价就能降下来？短时间这个效果是出不来的，短时较出效果只能在银行身上下手，但是，大家请记住，在银行身上下手也不是那么容易的，首先，银行虽然说是国家的，可是银行他也是企业，它也要生存啊，你现在叫它生存不下去，他能干吗？除非政府拟给补贴。银行的钱是在房价最高的时候放出去的，你现在强行打压房价，银行的损失怎么办？就算你给银行补贴，那些房地产公司又怎么办？他有些房子实在房价最高的时候卖出去的，那么现在房价呼拉掉下来一大截？人家那些先买房的人不来找你房地产公司吗？不管多大的房地产公司都没有银行的实力，老百姓叫它退钱它是退不起的。

　　所以，像在短时间把房价降下来，那简直是天方夜谭。不说，当初花了高价买地建房的房地产商不干，银行不干、买了房的业主不干、就是地方政府也不干啊？再说，还有一只幕后黑手在继续推动房价上涨呢？那黑手是什么？就是政府卖地的那笔钱啊？那钱它不会老老实实躺在财政局的帐号上的，它要以各种名义跑到市场上来，修桥铺路从事地方建设啦、公务员加薪啦、福利事业啦等等，但是为这些最终买单者一定是老百姓！怎么买，你自己想吧。

　　说句题外话，这些日子，深圳银行限制提现，美其名曰说是为了打击非法洗钱。你信吗？非法洗钱从来都存在，为什么偏偏在这个时候打击？我看，原因只有一个，那就是银行没钱了！银行会没钱？会的。银行的经营模式大家都知道，就是那老百姓的钱赚老百姓的钱，它们转的就是利息差以及衍生费用，现在他们把大量的钱投入到房地产上去了，现在房地产市场低迷，没有成交，以前的钱立刻成了呆账，它们哪里还有钱？所以，自然要限制提现。这事就是发生在咱这奇妙的中国，要是发生在外国，立刻还不产生挤兑风潮？疯狂的房产泡沫消耗了大量消费阶层的钱包，而中国经济面临的最大问题就是严重消费不足！而政府对这一切却视而不见！现在，全国都来搞房地产，就像当年全民炼钢铁一样。如果政府还在追求那虚假的GDP，金融危机迟早就到来

1.收银员说：没零钱了，找你两个塑料袋吧。
2、别跟我谈感情，多伤钱哪！
3、我诅咒你一辈子买方便面没有调料包！
4、世界上有两种人，一种是懂二进制的，一种不懂。
5、虽然你身上喷了古龙水, 但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿 。
6、我这辈子只有两件事不会，就是这也不会那也不会。
7、我想我是太久没吃鸡肉了...不然为什么昨天看见鸡毛掸子---居然有点激动?
8、抽，是一种生活艺术；找抽，是一种生活态度。
9、我的人生有A面也有B面你的人生有S面也有B面。
10、女子无才便是德，我一定是太缺德了。
11、妈妈问我有女（男）朋友了么，我说没有，妈妈说：这个可以有。
    我说：这个真没有..._
12、最近又胖了，打电话时一笑，脸蛋就碰能到挂机键。
13、执子之手，将子拖走。
14、我年轻过，你们呢，老过么？
15、人人都说我丑，其实我只是美得不明显。
16、雷锋做了好事不留名，但是每一件事情都记到日记里面。
17、逃课太多，昨天想去上课，见到教授，教授惊讶地说，这么长时间不见，长这么大了。　
18、鸳鸯戏水，都他妈淹死；比翼双飞，都他妈摔死。
19、纯，属虚构，乱，是佳人。
20、众里寻她千百度，蓦然回首，那人依旧对我不屑一顾。　 
21、念了十几年书，想起来还是幼儿园比较好混。
22、什么是幸福？幸福就是猫吃鱼，狗吃肉，奥特曼打小怪兽。
23、说金钱是罪恶，都在捞；说美女是祸水，都想要；说高处不胜寒，都在爬；说烟酒伤身体，都不戒；
    说天堂最美好，都不去！
24、你想发财吗？你想交桃花运吗？你想当官吗？你想一夜成名吗？你想永葆青春吗？
   —-不要瞎想了，好好学习吧！
25、爱是一种奢侈品。如同巴黎橱窗里的狐皮大衣，那么眩目、那么迷人，可是上面的标价会让人清醒过来。
   爱亦是奢侈品，只能远远的看着，别幻想或触摸它因为那需要合适的时间、合适的人相遇在合适的地点，缺一不可。
26、出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
27、春天是感冒和感情高发的季节。有人不小心感冒了，有人不小心恋爱了，我属于前者。
    我当年也是个痴情的种子，结果下了场雨……淹死了。
28、年轻的时候，我们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸；年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
29、每个人至少拥有一个梦想，有一个理由去坚强。
    心若没有栖息的地方，到哪里都是在流浪！
30、小时候不学习，妈妈说：“长大后让你嫁给卖猪肉的王老五。”现在我教育女儿：    “好好学习，长大后才能嫁给卖猪肉的王老五。”
31、活了二十多年，没能为祖国、为人民做点什么，每思及此，伤心欲绝。
32、人生没有彩排，每天都是直播，不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
33、前途是光明的，道路是没有的。
34、谁说天下乌鸦一般黑？其实一个更比一个黑！
35、要不是为挣钱，脸要来做什么…
36、大学的爱情纯真在于能够共同吃方便面，能够谦让着喝汤。
37、人家有的是背景儿，我有的只是背影儿。
38、众里寻他千百度，抬头一看，他在天上飞…鸟人一个！
39、你有什么不开心的事？说出来让大家开心一下。
40、现实社会不是我们所想象的乌托邦，机会比大熊猫还稀少。
41、自由诚可贵，责任价更高，若为爱情故，我哪样都不抛。
42、你明明是一只蜗牛，非要背乌龟的壳，严重超载，你不嫌累呀。
43、我每天可以吃的有限穿的有限花的也可以有限但是开心必须无限。
44、长江后浪推前浪,早晚要死在沙滩上。
45、人的一生要是没有一次感情用事的话那是遗憾。
46、我和电脑的区别就是电脑用电我不用。
47、我们女孩子喜欢的是正经里带一点不正经，但这点不正经还不耽误正经的那种。
48.    女孩子追求安稳，但又不能太安稳，安稳里要带那么一点不安分，但这点不安分又不能破坏安稳。

“我该选读什么专业？” 徐小平--原文发表于《新东方英语》九月号

一，特定专业并不重要

一年一度的高考结束后，那些考上大学的学生和家长总会来问我：“我该选读什么专业？”

我的答案总是这样：“除了你对某种专业有特别兴趣、特别渊源——比如季羡林先生点名招收了钱文忠学梵文巴利文专业——除此之外，大学选择什么专业并不重要……”

“专业不重要？那什么重要！”

我能看到读者脸上质疑的皱纹，于是我说：“重要的是专业之外的那些能力，将最终决定你的前途。”

每个大学生都会有一个“专业”，专业于我们当然是很重要的。但到底是专业决定我们的生存状态，生活质量，生命价值，还是其他东西？答案是后者——是专业之外的能力。

瞧！在任何专业里，都有成功者，也都有失败者。专业并不决定你的成功失败。千万不要以为进了某种专业就进了成功保险柜——反过来，更不要把自己职业的不如意归咎于平白无辜的“专业”。专业能给你一张登临人生大舞台的演出许可证，但要得到万众欢腾的演出效果，你还要运用专业之外的一些东西。

“专业之外的一些东西”，是哪些东西呢？这里，请允许我借用教育家杨东平先生的一次发言，来概括这些能力：企业最重视的，第一是大学生的价值观，第二是大学生的综合素质，第三才是所谓的专业技能。

　       所谓价值观，就是你对于工作与生活的态度，就是我们一般意义上的品德，品格。你是否热爱生活、热爱他人？你是否诚信、是否敬业？你是否尊重和关心你的同事和客户，你是否拥有社会责任感和慈善意识……？企业、以及社会，是根据你的价值观来判断你这个人可用不可用，可大用还是不可大用。

　       所谓综合素质，就是综合素质，这是不言自明的东西——不过，如果要把综合素质具体化，它最主要包括：表达能力，沟通能力，说话能力，文章能力，组织协调的能力，承受压力的能力，以及，在今天瞬息万变的职场上，调整心态、适应变化的能力。在未来几十年内，人类正经历着前所未有的全球化适应期。全球化迅猛改变着既有的生活节奏和规律。适应变化的能力，对于大学生来说，也许是这个时代最重要的“那些能力”之一。

二，职业需求与专业

 从职业对人才需求的关系角度，大量工作是不需要特定专业背景的——比如吸纳就业人数极多的营销类、管理类、助理类、媒体类、教育培训类、金融类、甚至公务员领域，这些领域对于人才的要求和挑战，主要是价值观和综合素质，而不是特定相关专业。搞营销最好的，未必是学营销的；做媒体最出色的，也不必是中国传媒大学的毕业生。教育培训，更是三百六十行的专业学生，都能在这里找到人生的黄金，奋斗的出路。ＭＢＡ教育，就是一个专业大熔炉，它把所有专业人才熔铸在一个通才教育的模式里，通过训练你的思维方式和综合能力，使得你毕业后能够从事几乎所有领域的管理工作。

 三，职业发展与专业

 从职业发展的角度，同一专业的竞争者，除了那些极其个人化、几乎不需要与他人合作的领域之外（比如数学与文学写作），最终发展最好、位置最高、成就最大者，往往也是那些价值观正确、综合素质指标高的人士。即使在Google、微软这样的技术公司，在初创阶段靠的是技术开发，但要做强做大，往往靠的是综合领导能力。苹果的创新先知乔布斯，根本就不是学技术出身。他靠什么成功？创新能力和想象力。而创新力和想象力，不属于任何一门专业，是经典的综合素质能力。

四，美国本科专业与研究生专业的关系分析

大学毕业，你其实还有一次机会通过继续深造来改变自己的专业，即考研。

问题是，中国的研究生教育制度，没有美国研究生教育阶段通行的“职业学院体系”，即professional school系统。Professional school，指的是医学院、法学院、管理学院、政府管理学院、新闻学院、教育学院等，这些学院在招收本科毕业生入学时，基本不看对应专业——因为美国根本就没有医学、法学本科这样的东东。

 美国职业学院系统的存在，给本科生前途带来了无限宽广的自由和多样的选择，也给本科生专业焦虑带来了彻底的缓解——男女都怕入错行，谁能确保自己18岁的选择不会让自己后悔终生？但22岁大学毕业时，你已经拥有了相对更加坚实的人生观和价值观，选择专业就比较明确。所以，在这种教育体制下，大学期间，无论你学什么专业，你只要做一个“全面发展”的好学生，毕业时，你既可以考入与你的本科专业直接接轨的研究生院graduate school深造，更可以以综合高分“改行”进入你心仪的“职业学院”接受“职业培训”，追求美好生活。

 中国还没有这样的教育制度，但这并不等于“本科专业不重要”的规律就不奏效。失效的是中国的研究生教育制度，有效的还是我刚才阐述的有关本科专业的观点。清华大学校长前不久呼吁中国取消法律本科教育，意味着中国迟早会在法律及很多领域，采纳这种通行世界的专业人士职业教育体制。

 五， 风起云涌的教育培训，是最适合用来说明上述观点的领域。

 教育培训是改革开放以来，从无到有迅速崛起的一个重要职业分支。在这个领域，只要你有一定的学历，无论你是学考古，还是学通古斯语，还是学通讯的，只要你愿意，经过简单的关注和基本的培训，你都可以在找到一份报酬不错的工作——当然，前提是你拥有一定的“综合素质”，至少要“能说会道”！做家教，做幼教、做中教、做成教，教数学、教作文、教英语、教ＸＹＺ……无论你学什么专业，在教育培训行当里，只要你会说，你就会教！

 但如同任何领域一样，教育培训职业发展问题不在于如何入门，而在于提升。教书教到一定程度，天天重复讲述你讲过无数次的教案，你会厌烦自己，憎恨自己，甚至还会仇恨人类。你需要发展，需要提升，需要不讲课也能挣钱，需要不见学生也能影响学生——担任教育培需领域的管理者。在管理者这个层面上，你的“价值观”将决定你的“市值”，你的综合素质，将决定你的生活素质。企业选拔管理者，越往上，越会看重并倚重你的品格和综合素质。无论是民营还是国营，不管是官场还是商场，上司决不会把一个重要位置交给一个他“信不过”的人。

 杰克韦尔奇说：他在选拔ＧＥ领导者时，并不只看他业绩如何，才能怎样，而是看他是否认同ＧＥ的企业文化，ＧＥ的价值观。瞧，世界顶级雇主的用人观念，说明了价值观和综合素质的重要性，指明了你奋斗和努力的方向。

最后再讲几句教育硕士问题。新东方有不少青年教师，工作几年后，积累了财富和人脉，去美国哈佛、斯坦福、哥伦比亚的教育学院读个教育硕士，完成常春藤之梦。他们之中，什么专业都有，好像就是没有本科读“教育专业”的人！

 六，专业的重要性

 讲到现在专业的不重要性，也许我应该讲讲专业的重要性。其实，专业的重要性恰恰在于大学生对自己专业明确的选择informed and enlightened selection。如果你对自己选择什么专业都不知道、对所选的专业并无特定认知，专业对你还重要吗？

 所以，我还是想说，除非你对某个专业有特殊的兴趣和渊源，否则，无论你学数理化、还是文史哲、农工商、法政医……真的不重要。而重要的是你在漫长的人生道路上，能否应对行业的发展，拥抱职业的变化，走在“专业”或你所选“职业”的前沿。那种以为“选对了专业就选定了前途”的想法，是一个世纪前的陈旧的观点！

 七，大学四年学什么？

 老师的天职就是重复讲述，那就让我在这里再次重复一下我的观点：

 １，              不管你读什么专业，都要从一开始追求伟大理想，这个伟大理想是：以你学到的东西为武器，影响社会、改变世界、造福人类——人类很多，但这里引用佛教语言来表达一下：“出家人走路恐伤蚁命”，佛家关爱生命，从蚂蚁开始。青年造福人类，从具体个人开始。当代青年的伟大理想应该是：要因你的存在使得“他人”活得更好——你就会活得比“他人”更好！结果大家都活得更好，结果“世界大同”！这是我希望同学们追求的伟大理想！

２，              不管你读什么专业，都要从一开始就建立明确的职业意识，明确的职业意识是：要问自己，本专业直接的工作是什么，本专业间接的工作是什么？本专业相关工作是什么？极而言之，任何专业的相关工作，都包括三百六十行。学工程的可以做国家主席，学音乐的可以做新东方副主席。这个时代，没有什么不可能——但你必须告诉自己，你要做什么，而不仅仅只是知道自己在学什么！

３，              不管你读什么专业，都要从一开始就要学会写作、说话、沟通、表达、演说、辩论——或者一言蔽之，要学会操弄语言文字。孔子说：劳心者治人，劳力者治于人。我想说：善辨者治人，不擅辩者治于人。这里需要声明一下：能言善辩，会说会写的人，往往都是脚踏实地、埋头苦干的人。那种认为埋头苦干而不需要表达沟通能力的观点，是陈腐而有害过时的价值观。孔子提倡“慎于言而敏于行”少说话多做事，而他老人家流传千古，恰恰是靠的“论”和“语”。

４，              不管你读什么专业，都要从一开始就积极参与课外活动，extra curriculum activities.课外活动包括：体育、文艺、社团、实习……而这些课外活动，他们对一个人成长的价值，绝不小于任何一门课获得满分。把课外活动和课堂学习对立起来，是中国教育的另外一大害人不浅的误区。简单说，课外活动，展现的是你的价值观，锻炼的就是你的综合素质，丰富的是你的人生。

５，              不管你读什么专业，都要从心灵深处意识到，大学是谈恋爱的最佳时期。大学期间刻意远离异性、拒绝爱情的人，往往是未来人生不幸福的人。爱情是人类最高价值。此刻不追，更待何时？！

６，              不管你读什么专业，都要带着危机感意识到，环球化已经来到我们身边，环球人才竞争已经进入你的钱袋，你差点到手的一份高薪好工作，很可能被你家隔壁留学归来的小二抢走——而个人应对环球化竞争有两大手段：外语与留学。在国内读大学的同学，学好以英语为主要外语，是确保自己不被外来人才击败的重要手段。

 八，价值观是人生大厦的基础

 最后，我要把价值观单独拿出来说一说，以突出我的观点——价值观，是人生大厦的基础。

 大学四年，是我们形成人生观和价值观的关键时刻，注意培养自己的道德情操、人品人格，否则，上述几点你做得再好，也未必能成就什么。

 有一次，我和俞敏洪老师在一起，谈到一位才华横溢的青年人。大家都承认这个家伙很有才华，“专业上很厉害”，但总觉得他“人品有点问题”，也就是说，他不具备一个受过教育的人应有的价值观。我有点故作真诚地问老俞：这家伙人品是有问题，但他确实很有才华啊！为什么不能重用之？

 俞老师说：一个人如果很有才华，但人品不好，他对集体或社会造成的伤害会更大。而一个人如果品德好而才华低，他至少可以在自己的岗位上兢兢业业做个好员工，过一分普通而美好的日子。而人品不好而才华高的人，如果得到机会，他一定会严重伤害整个团队，甚至伤害社会。

这样的“能人”，从三鹿奶粉到中国首富，你都已经见到。但你可能认为这与你无关。那我引用李开复老师经常讲的一个故事来说明问题：李开复在为G招募人才时，看到那些说前任雇主坏话的人，能力再强，也不会考虑他们，因为他们的character出了问题——谷歌的午餐不仅免费，而且食物之丰富天下无敌，居然有无限量供应的鹅肝酱！可惜，那些不懂得“尊重”之价值的求职者，必将无缘那些幸福的鹅肝酱

　　台湾有名广告词：认真的女人最美丽。每个人都有选择自己生活方式的权利，但一定要认真，对自己，对工作，对生活，这样的女人就算不是天生丽质，也有一种自信从容的美，只有这样一种美才能和时间对抗，也才是好男人欣赏的类型。玩弄生活玩弄男人的人最终也会被玩弄。可能很多姐妹不是工作上很出色的人，能把自己收拾得干净清爽，也是一个很大的优点。不管怎么说，现实中的男人还是首先容易以貌取人的，不是所有的男人都只爱最美的女人，对于干净清爽的女人，大多数男人还有有好感的。

　　凡是自己对工作得过且过，却对自己的女友有诸多要求的男人，还是敬而远之比较好。这样的男人，婚后变得毒舌男的机率最高。我们姐妹嫁人，最少要求的是被自己的丈夫尊重，认为自己有权利对妻子呼来喝去的男人不是好的结婚对象。

    3.嫁人最主要看人品，性格

　　相似的性格，相似的人生观、金钱观是婚姻生活最好的保障。个性不同，两个人平日里都说不来，就算是全世界都公认是金童玉女，天生一对，也是不能嫁的，毕竟你的一生中大多数时间是要与他共度的，冷暖自知。

    4.一开始就说配不上你的男人，以后他永远都会配不上你

　　对一些出色的女生来说，总会遇上一些看似潜力股的男人，你为他改变自己，付出全部，他却说，你对他太好了，他的(学历，金钱，能力，地位，相貌等等)配不上你。我身边好多姐妹们的例子证明，没有自信，只能靠你屈就才能交往的男人，以后对你不会好的，你的出色只会让他更自卑。

    5.托付终身前，要看一看他的家人

　　不是看他家有多少钱，是看他家家人是不是家庭和睦，关心礼让。一个家人中有男人打女人，大家还不闻不问，装作没看见的家庭，以后也不会管你的死活的。每个家庭都有缺点，要问清自己男友的态度，一味愚忠的男人，心里对妻子的尊重是有限的。

    6.对自己手紧，对女友也手紧的男人没有情趣。对自己手松，对女友手紧的男人一定自私，是最不能嫁的

　　金钱是最能看出一个男人本质和感情的东西。姐妹们谈恋爱不是谈钱，但如果他在钱上让你感觉不对，就该好好想想他是不是合适你了。在谈恋爱的时候，正常的消费是应该的，见面开始就说清要AA的男人太精于算计，也太怕吃亏了。在未来的婚姻中，有许多需要人牺牲的地方，这样的男人会最先跑掉。

   7.打人的男人不能要，被打一次一定要分手。花心的，脚踩几条船的男人不能要，发现一次一定要分手。老话说了，当断不断，反受其乱

    8.恋爱中女生要有自己的底线

　　决不能因为爱他，就放弃自己的尊严，侮辱自己的父母，抛弃自己的工作。好的感情，婚姻一定是双赢，而不是单方面的牺牲和成全。

Prepare for millstones

In long-term relationships, we often think of today as an extension of yesterday and tomorrow as an extension of today. We may not particularly notice how time is passing or pause to reflect on our circumstances. Milestone events, however—births, deaths, career change, children leaving home—inspire reflection.

Don’t bring your job home with you

We spend more waking hours on the job than doing anything else. We are taught from a young age to value hard work and that it will be rewarded. We hear far less about the efforts required in our relationships. When the workday is over, the work must recede out of your thoughts and time.

Workaholics, people who never seem to stop working or thinking about work, are three times more likely to say that their personal life is unsatisfying.

We assume similar preferences

It’s difficult, sometimes very difficult, to figure out what other people are thinking and feeling. When, lacking better information, we project our own feelings onto someone else, we wind up offering our preferred response to our own projected feelings. While we assume similarity because it is easier to do so, if we were being realistic we would more carefully consider others; preferences.

Don’t let secrets eat you up

While honesty might be thought of as the best policy, some truths might be too devastating to admit in a relationship. In situations in which you fear that the effects of the truth in your relationship might be devastating, seek a trusted confident with whom you can discuss the truth and relieve your burden.

To find a better way, look where you’ve been

Unless you make an effort to think about what you are doing and why, you are likely to repeat yourself, often to the detriment of your relationship.

Money matters less over time

If you were purchasing a house, you would pay attention to the features that matter most to you. But when we are thinking about potential mates, we pay the most attention to things that matter the least to us in the long run. That is, when we conjure up images of the ideal mater, that person is often pretty wealthy. However, when we actually live our lives, the significance of wealth drops to almost nothing in our evaluation of our relationship. That will give meaning to your life and love, have nothing to do with money.

Recognize the value of shared values

Your core values were formed a long time ago and will likely be yours for the rest of your life. The same is true for the other person in a relationship. Given that neither of you is likely to change your core beliefs, it helps if those beliefs are compatible.

Understand what you are looking for

People have basic ideas about the world and their place in it. These ideas are fundamental to their life and to everything they do. To better understand what you need from a relationship, think about who you are. Your interests, beliefs, career choice are all indicators of your fundamental personality.

Don’t wait to start moving in the right direction
We tend to miss a lot of opportunities to think about things, to make changes, to make things better. We often continue down the path we are on regardless of whether we find it rewarding or even acceptable. Don’t wait for the moment that shakes you out of your routine to examine what you are doing. Work on making your personal life as fulfilling as you want right now.  

Show your care, even when it’s hard to

In a perfect world there would be little or no conflict in a relationship and it is hard to show you care when you are in the midst of a conflict. In fact, there is no more important time to demonstrate that you care your partner. You can’t be rocked and be loved. You must open up and be vulnerable. Love grows as you make the other person feel special and invest in the other person.  

Make your decisions for positive reasons

Most people tend to have avoiding negative outcomes as their top priority when making decisions instead of making decisions by seeking the positive outcomes of their choices. In relationship, this means that we tend to ask ourselves what’s to be lost if I make this decision instead of what’s to be gained. This pattern can lead to continuing unsatisfying situations because of a fear that things might get worse. Make your decisions based on getting what you want, not on avoiding what you don’t want.

The pieces of your life must fit together

Your two favorite foods might taste delightful separately but terrible in combination. Your career and your relationship, likewise, are two forces that combine to make your life. Seek not two ideals that would never fit together but two compatible situations that will make your life work.

Master your fears

Social interactions, require you to reveal something of yourself. For many people, this process is nerve-racking because we fear that what we say and d won’t be good enough. People overcome these fears in one of two ways: either they come to believe that everything they say and do will be adored, or they let themselves not care about winning everyone else’s approval every moment of the day. Abandon the fear of negative reaction and the need to edit yourself moment by moment because those who react positively to the real you are the people whose company you should seek.

Limit your interests in the past

We all are curious about our partner’s past. We want to know about all their previous relationships, and especially the serious ones. But too much attention to this subject is dangerous. It breeds worry, comparisons, and ultimately conflict.

You are never too old to find love

People give up all the time on relationships because they think they’ve run out of time. The truth is that the need for human companionship does not go away over time. Neither does the capacity to find joy in a relationship fade over time. Never give up, because you are never too old.

We look inward to see how people feel about us

The health if a relationship or the number of close friends—the outward indicators of being liked and loved—are not as important in predicting a feeling of being liked and loved as is self-esteem. The overriding reason people fail to bring forth their personal power is the absence of self-love, a compassionate self-acceptance, psychological warts and ll. Like many of life’s major challenges, the answer is simple: love thyself. 

Connect, see you’re capable, and know you count

If we are going to fit into human society, we must see that we are connected to others—that we are not alone and that our decency is unshakable. We must see that we are capable of accomplishing important goals and making a contribution to the lives of those around us. It’s important to know your boundaries. What you have to keep in yourself, things you must know without question. Just for purpose of survival, and to be real instead of superficial.

Be willing to evolve

When the same conflict keeps coming up in a relationship, both partners will feel frustrated. A relationship therefore requires that both parties be willing to evolve. That does not mean giving up the traits that define you, but it does mean avoiding rigidity in your thinking. If you can put yourself in your partner’s place and learn from that experience, you will evolve in ways that make possible a better relationship.

Reliability counts a lot

Relationship depends on communication; we all know that. And meaningful communication demands reliability. Your words need to mean something. Say what you mean, and do what you say you are going to do. Always.

You are complete by yourself

A relationship is not a requirement. Your health and welfare do not require a relationship. A relationship may be a crucial part of your life and your future, but you by yourself have everything necessary to survive and thrive. Believe in yourself—regardless of your situation right at the moment—and you will be complete. 

Beware second opinions

It’s important to value informed opinions. But no one else can assess what we truly need and value in our personal life. Second, people tend to be far less optimistic about the relationships of others than they are about their own relationship. When it comes to relationship decisions, you’ll have to decide for yourself.

I think we all have to listen to our inner thing. I pray that I don’t make my decision based on ego and don’t listen to others when I should be listening to myself.

Have faith but don’t forget reality

Faith that things will work out should not lead us to think every day will be perfect. Believe in others and in the future, but believe, too, in the work it will take to make that future what you want it to be.

The marriage vow should say: I agree to disagree with you for the rest of my life. You’re the person I’m going to discuss and argue and work things out with forever.

Nice people don’t finish last

It’s a popular notion to think that nice people are overlooked, while other people have all the fun. In truth, the quality of being nice is among the most highly valued in potential partners. Don’t let anybody tell you that there aren’t any nice guys out there.

Relationships are like modern art

While successful relationships have many things in common, much of the time our assessment of the state of a relationship is purely personal. In other words, what you see in relationship, like what you see in a piece of modern art, depends on how you look at it and what you are looking for.

Most people are looking for experienced rookies

We are most comfortable with a partner who has more than a little and less than a lot of previous relationship experience. In studies asking people to rate their interest in dating another person, increasing that person’s past number of sexual partners from zero up to four makes them sound more desirable. Each partner beyond five, however, makes the person sound less desirable.  

It’s for you—or it isn’t

Friends and family might mean well when they ask, ”When are you going to get married?” or “When are you going to have children?” But their questions can come across as pressure to conform to some external standard. Your future, your goals, your relationships are not a means of answering critics. When and whether you do something are for you alone to decide.  

See the horizon, watch your step

Relationships are built on long-term values and short-term actions. You need to see the long-term goals and needs that your relationship will fulfill. This long-term perspective will give your relationship value to you in the moment, which is where you need to demonstrate, on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis, your dedication to a healthy relationship.

The notion of a marriage sabbatical—time away from one’s partner to refresh oneself—has advocates among psychologists. They think it means that a marriage is strong and encourage growth, individualism, renewal, the pursuit of dreams.  

The search for perfection is endless  

There is a difference between looking for something that is healthy and satisfying and looking for something that is perfect. The difference is that healthy and satisfying exist; perfect does not. Your relationship should contribute to your life and to the life of your partner. It should not be expected to provide you with someone who agrees with your every thought and preference or who can fill you every moment with joy.  Day to day, it is all about compromise. It’s about giving in and saying you’re sorry or dumb.

Gentlemen prefer the same things ladies prefer

We have stereotypes about the things men want in a woman and the things women want in a man. These are the kinds of things we sometimes joke about. But at the same time, many of us believe them to be true, and we try to adapt ourselves to fit the model of what we think potential partners are looking for. The truth of the matter is that men and women today are looking for the same things.

From thousands of ads, people reveal themselves in a way that is really unique. They define who they are succinctly, perhaps overly optimistically, and they define the essence of what they are looking for---sometimes suggesting great depth, and oftentimes suggesting a most superficial level of their thinking.  Women are just as likely as men to make requests regarding appearance or background when describing soul mate. In other words, as women gain economic power, women can be just as frivolous as men and look for a cute butt. The age-old, evolutionary contract between men and women, in which men provided security and women comfort, is changing. Men and women are now looking for the same thing.

Love is blind but life isn’t always

Expectations about who you are allowed to marry are slowly vanishing. For example, society has evolved past the point of expecting people to marry only others of the same race or ethnicity. Yet even while there is no reason for you to exclude groups of people as potential partners, you must recognize the challenges you will face and embrace them. Some people are still likely to see any departure from their expectations and traditions as a threat to themselves. Cross-cultural relationships can be burdened with the strain of dealing with the world or fortified by a mutual response to closemindedness.

Balance depends on which way you learn

We all know that we should strive to balance our lives. For those who work long hours and focus much of their attention on their career, greater commitment to their relationship and family time must become a priority. But for those whose focus is the family, greater time working outside the home actually increases the health of relationships and family life.

Studies find that the balance between work life and personal life is consistently different for men and women. Most women express more satisfaction with their family as they work more hours outside of the home. Most men express less satisfaction with their family life as they work more hours outside of the home.

The future matters more than the past

The task of a successful relationship never ends because the point of a relationship is to build toward the future, not the past.

You don’t have to see eye to eye on everything

In reality, relationship success does not depend on seeing things the same way. Instead, respect for the other person’s perspective is far more important than constant agreement with it.

Who is exactly like you? Who agrees with absolutely everything you think? You. Just you. That’s it. But you are not married to yourself; you are married to another person. And for every idea of yours that you want appreciated, respected, or at least tolerated, there are ideas of your spouse you will have to put up with.

Be open with each other

Many people in strong and vital relationships are suffering through some kind of difficulty in life, while people who seem to have everything one could ever want are in crumbling relationships. The difference is not the circumstances; the difference is how the partners connect with each other. A good husband needs to share everything, to include your spouse in your day, your life, your thoughts.

Accentuate the positive in all respects of your life

Logically, our feelings toward our relationships, our job, our family, and our friends should be independent of one another. Logic does not always rule our feelings, though, in truth, we tend to allow our feelings about one major aspect of our lives to affect our feelings about other, unrelated, aspects of our lives. Avoiding the negative and emphasizing the positive aspects of your life will encourage you to see positives in your relationship.

Ambivalence is a negative

When we are not sure, we often out off making a decision. After all, we are worried we’ll make the wrong one. This happens in all phases of life, including our relationships. The difference is that ambivalence about which shoes to buy doesn’t affect the health of shoes. Ambivalence about a relationship, in contrast, eats away at the relationship because it represents the absence of definite positive feelings—an absence both partners will be aware of. And that absence of a positive is a negative.

A relationship starts with yourself

People need loving human relationships. We all benefit from close social contact. But many of us think relationships will complete us—fill in any holes in our lives. In reality, if you are not happy with who you are, a relationship will not change that, and in fact it will be difficult to maintain healthy relationships.

I used to see it as a chicken-and-egg problem. Which comes first, a healthy self-image or healthy relationship? It seems like you need a healthy self-image to have healthy relationships, and you need healthy relationships to have a healthy self-image. Then I realized that I had less control over my relationsips—people up and move on you, or they enter new phases of their lives without you—so I had to start with myself. If you don’t think you are a good person, worthy of your own affection, it is hard for other people to disagree with you. On the other hand, when I really looked for the value in myself, it was easier for me to see it in other people.

Let go of the burden of pain

You’ve been hurt and then apologized to. It is painful, but you decide it is within your heart to forgive. Yet the pain doesn’t just go away. You carry with you the trauma of what happened, and you think of it even when there is no reason to. You have to let go of the pain. Carrying it around makes it seem like the hurt is fresh every day. Only you can put it away.

Even in a relationship, you are still an individual

Strong, healthy relationships are built on notions of equality. The strongest relationships support both partner’s dreams, even if they differ, not one partner’s at the expense of the other’s.

Like the way you look

If you are not comfortable with your image of your body, you will not be comfortable with anyone else’s image of your body. And if that happened, it will erode your self-confidence and make it much more difficult to find or maintain a relationship.

Don’t romanticize the past

We tend to have positive notion of the past. Times were simpler, life was easier, families were stronger. Admittedly, definitions of family life have changed tremendously in the past fifty years and divorce rates are higher now. But the traditions of the past included marriages based on almost no existing connection between the partners and, in the case of a loveless union, the expectation of lifelong suffering because there were no available alternatives. While we face challenges in finding and keeping relationships today, we should also see the opportunities and the freedom available to us that did not exist in the past. Studies comparing relationships today to relationships fifty or more years ago find that levels of commitment are largely unchanged, but the biggest difference is that freedom of choice to enter, maintain, or leave relationships was less prevalent then.  

Share the praise and share in the blame

Whether we mean to or not, we tend to give ourselves credit for things that go well, and we tend to blame others when things go awry. Understand that you are likely to see things this way and your partner is as well. If we can learn instead to graciously accept some of the blame and generously share the credit, we will be contributing to a happier relationship.

You can’t find without looking

The vast majority of relationships start after meeting in school, at a workplace, in a common neighborhood, or through family or mutual acquaintances. While you may find the partner of your dreams in these places, typical sources are also tremendously limiting. If you are looking for someone, think carefully about where you look and how you can expand your interactions with new people.

Among those who have used a personals service, 73 percent thought the effort was worthwhile. Users said the best feature of the service was that it exposed them to people they would never have met otherwise.

Meaningful commitment is mutual commitment

Your efforts alone, no matter how great, cannot make a relationship healthy or satisfying. A relationship not only requires effort from two people but requires mutual effort from two people. Increasing your commitment to your relationship will not help unless you do so with your partner. On a rowing team, everybody has to try hard, but no one can try harder than anyone else or the boat will go in circles. The same is true in a relationship.

Friendships predict relationships

While they are obviously not as intense, close friendships require the same foundation of communication skills and selflessness necessary for a successful relationship. The requirements of being supportive and willing to adapt over time are necessary for both. Take the confidence you have in your friendships, and understand that if you can maintain a friendship you can maintain a relationship.

The mundane is heroic

We recognize that having a long-standing relationship is an achievement. But that achievement is built on a nearly infinite series of actions, including a daily, hourly, moment-to-moment commitment to each other. It is certainly not always easy, and the rewards are not always immediately apparent, but sacrificing your immediate preferences and being committed to sharing, caring, and listening are mundane but heroic steps toward your lifetime relationship goal. 

We ‘re a team every day, helping if we can, watching if we can’t.

The ability to maintain open, healthy communication in a relationship is associated with strong levels of such highly regarded personal qualities as self-restraint, generosity, commitment to justice, and good judgment.

See possibilities where others see obstacles

Even the strongest, best relationship experience problems that suggest it might not last. The real question is which evidence you pay more attention.

Set rule for conflict

While every relationship has disagreements, you are never going to agree on everything, and you shouldn’t try to agree on everything. But one vital agreement will help you reduce the pain of disagreements: choosing a method for your discussion.

Anyone can find a happy relationship

People of every kind of background have found happiness in relationships, and people of every kind of background have encountered difficulties. Fulfilling relationships have everything to do with who you are but not with what you are.

It’s not just a fantasy. I believe there’s something like a soul mate out there, something close to that true connection, that feeling when you know you can’t live without this other person and you don’t want to.

I’m not working on a deadline. I’m not a product on the shelf that’s going to expire. I’m going to live my life and find someone. I have no doubt. Look around you at the evidence—all sorts of people are finding each other all the time, all over the time, all over the place. I’ll find the right people for me.

Age, income, education, and religion are unrelated to the likelihood of relationship satisfaction.  

It’s not how hard you try

We’ve heard platitudes about hard work all our lives. But trying really hard, by itself, is not a recipe for success. In fact, maximum effort can be a great source of frustration and pain when our efforts are not rewarded with a better relationship. Work on your relationship with meaningful goals that will contribute to your relationship’s health and your happiness.  

You have nothing to envy

If you are thinking about potential partners, you would no doubt be excited about finding someone who was very successful at work. And yet in a relationship, people often find themselves envious of the success of their partner. They begin to see the success of their partner as a personal failure of as a score in some kind of competition. Yhis makes little sense and does no one any good. There is no trophy for bettering your partner. The real prize foes to those who refuse to compete with their partner. That prize is contentment and a more satisfying relationship.  

Attitude triumphs over outcome

There is no way to predict exactly what will happen or when it will happen. What you can do is continue. Continue being someone who contributes to others’ happiness. Continue being someone who sees the good around you. Continue being someone who would offer love, affection, and support to the right partner.

Looking for a relationship in the city can be harder than finding a seat on the subway at rush hour. Everyone has their guard up, and everybody has a busy schedule and an agenda. It is sometimes hard to just relax and meet someone.

I get a good laugh out of all it.

Don’t be bound by tradition

Over time the patterns in relationships have been evolving dramatically. For a relationship to function and thrive, we must live within our own standards, not those imposed from another time.

Being a real man, a family man, means communicating, not wanting to be left alone. It means never being afraid to show love.  

The past is not the future

You can learn from your experiences and avoid mistakes of the past. Most people who exited an unhappy relationship were in a happy relationship within three years, and 74 percent said that their new relationship was significantly different.

I don’t believe you can ever be what you were in the past because of so many things, your experiences. You cannot be the same person. I live in the present. There is no other way, because you cannot worry about the past or the future.

Even after climbing all the way back, she admits the deep desire is no longer there on a daily basis.  

No one wins the comparison game

Your relationship must be evaluated based on your own needs.

A consumer mentality: anything can be replaced if it stops meeting our needs. I was doing that to my relationship—treating it as a product and wondering if I couldn’t trade it in for a better one. I was free to put my energy into it, instead of putting my energy into wondering whether this was worth it.  

See the love around you

Feeling loved and knowing that you are worthy of love are necessary to creating or maintaining any relationship.  

Doing nothing is rarely a solution

Approach your relationship with all your attention and abilities, the way you would approach anything that is important to you.

The biggest predictor of staying together is how well they’re able to work through their differences. 

You’ll forget the disagreement but remember the disagreeing

Regardless of the disagreement at hand, remember to always put the feeling of your partner ahead of specific complaint because the feelings will linger long after the complaint is solved of forgotten.  

Pursue what you need forever, not what you want today

View the search for a happy relationship not as a process of immediate satisfaction but as a means to pursue your fundamental needs.

Couples that pursue a hedonistic dorm of happiness, seeking to fulfill their desires regardless of their needs, endure twice as much conflict as couples that pursue more altruistic forms of happiness (that is, based on creating feelings of unity and mutual satisfaction).  

Seek harmony in your life

A satisfying life is not one in which you feel good about one part of your life and ignore the other parts, but one in which you feel rewarded in everything you care about.

In spite of all the usual bustle and chaos, there was a hushed aura surrounding him, like the quiet at the center of a storm.

It’s the little things that matter the most

The peaks of life may be wonderful and the depths of our life painful. We define our relationships based not on the best days or the worst days but on the average days. Strive to be supportive in average ways on average days, and you will set in place a major building block of a relationship.

A relationship requires two equals

Relationships crumble under the weight of imbalance. Neither person can be more important. Neither people can be more involved or committed. Neither person can make all the decisions. Neither person can make all the sacrifices. In the project that is a relationship, no one gets top billing because without two equals there is no relationship.

An individual woman who could do everything and more than a man stayed in the lower-paying, less pleasant job.

The relationships of partners who characterize each other as equal in making decisions, in sacrificing for the relationship, and in performing household chores are likely to last more than twice as long as relationships in which these factors are not equal.

Beware of fairy tales

Our first concepts of relationships, love, marriage, and life happily ever after are powerfully influenced by classic stories we read and films we see. But don’t riddle yourself with expectations of a fairy tale in which the story is strictly about the search for love and the rest of life is just supposed to figure itself out.  

Cultivate a common interest

Each of us wants to be a positive part of our partner’s life and have our partner be a positive part of our life. Common interests encourage positive communication and fun, and they strengthen the sense of connection between partners.

We are in no hurry to get back to the pressure of everyday life. The world can go on without us knowing about it.  

There is no point in putting on a show

In fact, many people who are discontent are satisfied to remain where they are. They are unhappy with their relationship but have little inclination to end it. They want to remain their relationship not for the relationship but because they see the social benefits of it. They seek the presentation value to family, friends, and colleagues of being in a relationship. There is no satisfaction, no fulfillment, no point to being in a relationship that does not meet your needs.

You make your own history

We’ve all seen many divorces and countless failed relationships. Take what you can learn from the relationship mistakes and triumphs you witness, but don’t limit yourself to reliving someone else’s experience.

Maintain your sense of control

In all aspects of your life, you will feel greater sense of satisfaction and less stress if you maintain a sense of control. You have to recognize that your decision shape your life, regardless of what else might be happening around you.  

Money can’t buy love, but it can buy stress

What is the single most important part of your life? It’s not money. It never has been, and it never will be. But how many times has a disagreement about money—how to spend it, how to get it, how much is enough—gotten in the way of your enjoying time with loved ones? When we let the superficial things get in the way of the substantial, our relationship cannot possibly remain healthy. We will be disturbed if we don’t have enough money and even disappointed when we do have enough money because it will not bring us the joy and fulfillment we need. Put money in its place—behind what really matters to you.

The average people abuse money, which is the inability to control ourselves with regard to spending. It is a recurrent, often unconscious, use of money to overcome underlying issues.    

There are no mind readers

When you need support, explain the situation. The response you receive will be not only more meaningful but also more powerful. We have to say what we mean—with no underlying messages. If the emotional message is different from the content, that’s a problem.  

There is no need to hurry

The age at which people choose to marry has been rising every decade for the past hundred years. The age at which those who have children first do so has also been rising every decade for the past hundred years. People are starting these life-altering courses later and later for many reasons, including financial pressures and a desire to obtain and maintain independence. There’s no need to hurry. Relationships are not a race, and there’s no prize for finishing first.  

Friends speak from experience—their own

When we ant validation for our decisions we often turn to friends for advice and approval. But our friends can speak only from their own experience. And while in most things the words of an experienced veteran would be highly valued, in making decisions about your relationship, your friends will be speaking from their experience, not yours. Neither you nor your situation is something that your friends have experience with. Value their friendship, but understand that their advice applies primarily to themselves.

The advice that you shouldn’t allow things to change in your life just because you’re getting married was a disaster. I realized that pretty early on that to stay together, each partner must make the other number one. I realized that I could love someone as much as I love myself—and even more. And that the reward is in the caring, not in the selfishness.  

Decide whether you want to win or be happy

In truth, there are only two outcomes in relationship argument, either you both win or you both lose. Couples are not enemies. Focus not on the other person, but on the problem that stands between you.  

A sense of humor helps

A good joke can brighten any day, bringing joy to both the teller and the listener. In a relationship, a good sense of humor helps to make the average day more fun, and it lessens the burden of the bad days.  

See the friendship in your relationship

The great struggles, dilemmas, and debates in your life are likely to happen within your relationship, and by comparison your friendship looks easier or better. But if you see the friendship in your relationship, you can recognized that the difficulties are a prelude to their strength.  

The most time is not the best time

If we have found the one person in the world we want most to spend our time with, then why not spend as much time together as possible? Because relationships thrives on the quality, not the quantity, of contact. For most people, a little distance every day is necessary for their own independent interests and needs. Time apart also serves to strengthen the relationship by giving both partners a chance to feel an active need for each other and to experience the pleasure of reuniting.