Gentlemen prefer the same things ladies prefer

We have stereotypes about the things men want in a woman and the things women want in a man. These are the kinds of things we sometimes joke about. But at the same time, many of us believe them to be true, and we try to adapt ourselves to fit the model of what we think potential partners are looking for. The truth of the matter is that men and women today are looking for the same things.

From thousands of ads, people reveal themselves in a way that is really unique. They define who they are succinctly, perhaps overly optimistically, and they define the essence of what they are looking for---sometimes suggesting great depth, and oftentimes suggesting a most superficial level of their thinking.  Women are just as likely as men to make requests regarding appearance or background when describing soul mate. In other words, as women gain economic power, women can be just as frivolous as men and look for a cute butt. The age-old, evolutionary contract between men and women, in which men provided security and women comfort, is changing. Men and women are now looking for the same thing.

Love is blind but life isn’t always

Expectations about who you are allowed to marry are slowly vanishing. For example, society has evolved past the point of expecting people to marry only others of the same race or ethnicity. Yet even while there is no reason for you to exclude groups of people as potential partners, you must recognize the challenges you will face and embrace them. Some people are still likely to see any departure from their expectations and traditions as a threat to themselves. Cross-cultural relationships can be burdened with the strain of dealing with the world or fortified by a mutual response to closemindedness.

Balance depends on which way you learn

We all know that we should strive to balance our lives. For those who work long hours and focus much of their attention on their career, greater commitment to their relationship and family time must become a priority. But for those whose focus is the family, greater time working outside the home actually increases the health of relationships and family life.

Studies find that the balance between work life and personal life is consistently different for men and women. Most women express more satisfaction with their family as they work more hours outside of the home. Most men express less satisfaction with their family life as they work more hours outside of the home.

The future matters more than the past

The task of a successful relationship never ends because the point of a relationship is to build toward the future, not the past.

You don’t have to see eye to eye on everything

In reality, relationship success does not depend on seeing things the same way. Instead, respect for the other person’s perspective is far more important than constant agreement with it.

Who is exactly like you? Who agrees with absolutely everything you think? You. Just you. That’s it. But you are not married to yourself; you are married to another person. And for every idea of yours that you want appreciated, respected, or at least tolerated, there are ideas of your spouse you will have to put up with.

Be open with each other

Many people in strong and vital relationships are suffering through some kind of difficulty in life, while people who seem to have everything one could ever want are in crumbling relationships. The difference is not the circumstances; the difference is how the partners connect with each other. A good husband needs to share everything, to include your spouse in your day, your life, your thoughts.

Accentuate the positive in all respects of your life

Logically, our feelings toward our relationships, our job, our family, and our friends should be independent of one another. Logic does not always rule our feelings, though, in truth, we tend to allow our feelings about one major aspect of our lives to affect our feelings about other, unrelated, aspects of our lives. Avoiding the negative and emphasizing the positive aspects of your life will encourage you to see positives in your relationship.

Ambivalence is a negative

When we are not sure, we often out off making a decision. After all, we are worried we’ll make the wrong one. This happens in all phases of life, including our relationships. The difference is that ambivalence about which shoes to buy doesn’t affect the health of shoes. Ambivalence about a relationship, in contrast, eats away at the relationship because it represents the absence of definite positive feelings—an absence both partners will be aware of. And that absence of a positive is a negative.

A relationship starts with yourself

People need loving human relationships. We all benefit from close social contact. But many of us think relationships will complete us—fill in any holes in our lives. In reality, if you are not happy with who you are, a relationship will not change that, and in fact it will be difficult to maintain healthy relationships.

I used to see it as a chicken-and-egg problem. Which comes first, a healthy self-image or healthy relationship? It seems like you need a healthy self-image to have healthy relationships, and you need healthy relationships to have a healthy self-image. Then I realized that I had less control over my relationsips—people up and move on you, or they enter new phases of their lives without you—so I had to start with myself. If you don’t think you are a good person, worthy of your own affection, it is hard for other people to disagree with you. On the other hand, when I really looked for the value in myself, it was easier for me to see it in other people.

Let go of the burden of pain

You’ve been hurt and then apologized to. It is painful, but you decide it is within your heart to forgive. Yet the pain doesn’t just go away. You carry with you the trauma of what happened, and you think of it even when there is no reason to. You have to let go of the pain. Carrying it around makes it seem like the hurt is fresh every day. Only you can put it away.

Even in a relationship, you are still an individual

Strong, healthy relationships are built on notions of equality. The strongest relationships support both partner’s dreams, even if they differ, not one partner’s at the expense of the other’s.

Like the way you look

If you are not comfortable with your image of your body, you will not be comfortable with anyone else’s image of your body. And if that happened, it will erode your self-confidence and make it much more difficult to find or maintain a relationship.

Don’t romanticize the past

We tend to have positive notion of the past. Times were simpler, life was easier, families were stronger. Admittedly, definitions of family life have changed tremendously in the past fifty years and divorce rates are higher now. But the traditions of the past included marriages based on almost no existing connection between the partners and, in the case of a loveless union, the expectation of lifelong suffering because there were no available alternatives. While we face challenges in finding and keeping relationships today, we should also see the opportunities and the freedom available to us that did not exist in the past. Studies comparing relationships today to relationships fifty or more years ago find that levels of commitment are largely unchanged, but the biggest difference is that freedom of choice to enter, maintain, or leave relationships was less prevalent then.  

Share the praise and share in the blame

Whether we mean to or not, we tend to give ourselves credit for things that go well, and we tend to blame others when things go awry. Understand that you are likely to see things this way and your partner is as well. If we can learn instead to graciously accept some of the blame and generously share the credit, we will be contributing to a happier relationship.

You can’t find without looking

The vast majority of relationships start after meeting in school, at a workplace, in a common neighborhood, or through family or mutual acquaintances. While you may find the partner of your dreams in these places, typical sources are also tremendously limiting. If you are looking for someone, think carefully about where you look and how you can expand your interactions with new people.

Among those who have used a personals service, 73 percent thought the effort was worthwhile. Users said the best feature of the service was that it exposed them to people they would never have met otherwise.

Meaningful commitment is mutual commitment

Your efforts alone, no matter how great, cannot make a relationship healthy or satisfying. A relationship not only requires effort from two people but requires mutual effort from two people. Increasing your commitment to your relationship will not help unless you do so with your partner. On a rowing team, everybody has to try hard, but no one can try harder than anyone else or the boat will go in circles. The same is true in a relationship.

Friendships predict relationships

While they are obviously not as intense, close friendships require the same foundation of communication skills and selflessness necessary for a successful relationship. The requirements of being supportive and willing to adapt over time are necessary for both. Take the confidence you have in your friendships, and understand that if you can maintain a friendship you can maintain a relationship.