Prepare for millstones

In long-term relationships, we often think of today as an extension of yesterday and tomorrow as an extension of today. We may not particularly notice how time is passing or pause to reflect on our circumstances. Milestone events, however—births, deaths, career change, children leaving home—inspire reflection.

Don’t bring your job home with you

We spend more waking hours on the job than doing anything else. We are taught from a young age to value hard work and that it will be rewarded. We hear far less about the efforts required in our relationships. When the workday is over, the work must recede out of your thoughts and time.

Workaholics, people who never seem to stop working or thinking about work, are three times more likely to say that their personal life is unsatisfying.

We assume similar preferences

It’s difficult, sometimes very difficult, to figure out what other people are thinking and feeling. When, lacking better information, we project our own feelings onto someone else, we wind up offering our preferred response to our own projected feelings. While we assume similarity because it is easier to do so, if we were being realistic we would more carefully consider others; preferences.

Don’t let secrets eat you up

While honesty might be thought of as the best policy, some truths might be too devastating to admit in a relationship. In situations in which you fear that the effects of the truth in your relationship might be devastating, seek a trusted confident with whom you can discuss the truth and relieve your burden.

To find a better way, look where you’ve been

Unless you make an effort to think about what you are doing and why, you are likely to repeat yourself, often to the detriment of your relationship.

Money matters less over time

If you were purchasing a house, you would pay attention to the features that matter most to you. But when we are thinking about potential mates, we pay the most attention to things that matter the least to us in the long run. That is, when we conjure up images of the ideal mater, that person is often pretty wealthy. However, when we actually live our lives, the significance of wealth drops to almost nothing in our evaluation of our relationship. That will give meaning to your life and love, have nothing to do with money.

Recognize the value of shared values

Your core values were formed a long time ago and will likely be yours for the rest of your life. The same is true for the other person in a relationship. Given that neither of you is likely to change your core beliefs, it helps if those beliefs are compatible.

Understand what you are looking for

People have basic ideas about the world and their place in it. These ideas are fundamental to their life and to everything they do. To better understand what you need from a relationship, think about who you are. Your interests, beliefs, career choice are all indicators of your fundamental personality.

Don’t wait to start moving in the right direction
We tend to miss a lot of opportunities to think about things, to make changes, to make things better. We often continue down the path we are on regardless of whether we find it rewarding or even acceptable. Don’t wait for the moment that shakes you out of your routine to examine what you are doing. Work on making your personal life as fulfilling as you want right now.  

Show your care, even when it’s hard to

In a perfect world there would be little or no conflict in a relationship and it is hard to show you care when you are in the midst of a conflict. In fact, there is no more important time to demonstrate that you care your partner. You can’t be rocked and be loved. You must open up and be vulnerable. Love grows as you make the other person feel special and invest in the other person.  

Make your decisions for positive reasons

Most people tend to have avoiding negative outcomes as their top priority when making decisions instead of making decisions by seeking the positive outcomes of their choices. In relationship, this means that we tend to ask ourselves what’s to be lost if I make this decision instead of what’s to be gained. This pattern can lead to continuing unsatisfying situations because of a fear that things might get worse. Make your decisions based on getting what you want, not on avoiding what you don’t want.

The pieces of your life must fit together

Your two favorite foods might taste delightful separately but terrible in combination. Your career and your relationship, likewise, are two forces that combine to make your life. Seek not two ideals that would never fit together but two compatible situations that will make your life work.

Master your fears

Social interactions, require you to reveal something of yourself. For many people, this process is nerve-racking because we fear that what we say and d won’t be good enough. People overcome these fears in one of two ways: either they come to believe that everything they say and do will be adored, or they let themselves not care about winning everyone else’s approval every moment of the day. Abandon the fear of negative reaction and the need to edit yourself moment by moment because those who react positively to the real you are the people whose company you should seek.

Limit your interests in the past

We all are curious about our partner’s past. We want to know about all their previous relationships, and especially the serious ones. But too much attention to this subject is dangerous. It breeds worry, comparisons, and ultimately conflict.

You are never too old to find love

People give up all the time on relationships because they think they’ve run out of time. The truth is that the need for human companionship does not go away over time. Neither does the capacity to find joy in a relationship fade over time. Never give up, because you are never too old.

We look inward to see how people feel about us

The health if a relationship or the number of close friends—the outward indicators of being liked and loved—are not as important in predicting a feeling of being liked and loved as is self-esteem. The overriding reason people fail to bring forth their personal power is the absence of self-love, a compassionate self-acceptance, psychological warts and ll. Like many of life’s major challenges, the answer is simple: love thyself. 

Connect, see you’re capable, and know you count

If we are going to fit into human society, we must see that we are connected to others—that we are not alone and that our decency is unshakable. We must see that we are capable of accomplishing important goals and making a contribution to the lives of those around us. It’s important to know your boundaries. What you have to keep in yourself, things you must know without question. Just for purpose of survival, and to be real instead of superficial.

Be willing to evolve

When the same conflict keeps coming up in a relationship, both partners will feel frustrated. A relationship therefore requires that both parties be willing to evolve. That does not mean giving up the traits that define you, but it does mean avoiding rigidity in your thinking. If you can put yourself in your partner’s place and learn from that experience, you will evolve in ways that make possible a better relationship.

Reliability counts a lot

Relationship depends on communication; we all know that. And meaningful communication demands reliability. Your words need to mean something. Say what you mean, and do what you say you are going to do. Always.

You are complete by yourself

A relationship is not a requirement. Your health and welfare do not require a relationship. A relationship may be a crucial part of your life and your future, but you by yourself have everything necessary to survive and thrive. Believe in yourself—regardless of your situation right at the moment—and you will be complete. 

Beware second opinions

It’s important to value informed opinions. But no one else can assess what we truly need and value in our personal life. Second, people tend to be far less optimistic about the relationships of others than they are about their own relationship. When it comes to relationship decisions, you’ll have to decide for yourself.

I think we all have to listen to our inner thing. I pray that I don’t make my decision based on ego and don’t listen to others when I should be listening to myself.

Have faith but don’t forget reality

Faith that things will work out should not lead us to think every day will be perfect. Believe in others and in the future, but believe, too, in the work it will take to make that future what you want it to be.

The marriage vow should say: I agree to disagree with you for the rest of my life. You’re the person I’m going to discuss and argue and work things out with forever.

Nice people don’t finish last

It’s a popular notion to think that nice people are overlooked, while other people have all the fun. In truth, the quality of being nice is among the most highly valued in potential partners. Don’t let anybody tell you that there aren’t any nice guys out there.

Relationships are like modern art

While successful relationships have many things in common, much of the time our assessment of the state of a relationship is purely personal. In other words, what you see in relationship, like what you see in a piece of modern art, depends on how you look at it and what you are looking for.

Most people are looking for experienced rookies

We are most comfortable with a partner who has more than a little and less than a lot of previous relationship experience. In studies asking people to rate their interest in dating another person, increasing that person’s past number of sexual partners from zero up to four makes them sound more desirable. Each partner beyond five, however, makes the person sound less desirable.  

It’s for you—or it isn’t

Friends and family might mean well when they ask, ”When are you going to get married?” or “When are you going to have children?” But their questions can come across as pressure to conform to some external standard. Your future, your goals, your relationships are not a means of answering critics. When and whether you do something are for you alone to decide.  

See the horizon, watch your step

Relationships are built on long-term values and short-term actions. You need to see the long-term goals and needs that your relationship will fulfill. This long-term perspective will give your relationship value to you in the moment, which is where you need to demonstrate, on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis, your dedication to a healthy relationship.

The notion of a marriage sabbatical—time away from one’s partner to refresh oneself—has advocates among psychologists. They think it means that a marriage is strong and encourage growth, individualism, renewal, the pursuit of dreams.  

The search for perfection is endless  

There is a difference between looking for something that is healthy and satisfying and looking for something that is perfect. The difference is that healthy and satisfying exist; perfect does not. Your relationship should contribute to your life and to the life of your partner. It should not be expected to provide you with someone who agrees with your every thought and preference or who can fill you every moment with joy.  Day to day, it is all about compromise. It’s about giving in and saying you’re sorry or dumb.